Pilot
by laurelsully
Summary: Imagine The Office, but with a different Temp. This story begins to explore the idea of April Ludgate working in The Office. Pranks, alliances, and comedy ensue. Written in screenplay format.
1. Chapter 1

INT MICHAELS OFFICE

Michael sits at his desk, meeting with his new intern,  
April, a pale, dark-haired college student.

MICHAEL

SO... What made you choose Dunder Mifflin for your internship?

APRIL

I heard it would lead me to commit suicide the fastest.

MICHEAL

(laughs weakly, clears throat,

obviously uncomfortable now)  
Aren't you a funny one... Any who,  
What's your favorite thing about paper.

Like for me, it has to be the limited..less possibilities of it.

APRIL

I like it because it burns.

MICHEAL

Why don't I show you to your desk...

INT. OFFICE SPACE

April has made herself comfortable at Dwight's desk, and is surfing the web

on his computer. No one questions her actions.

ENTER DWIGHT

DWIGHT

(Outraged as he sees a stranger at his desk)  
EXCUSE ME! What is the meaning of this! This is my desk! Do you not see the name plate?

Dwight picks up his nameplate and shoves it in April's face.

APRIL (silent)

DWIGHT

I am the assistant regional-

JIM

Assistant to the-

DWIGHT

SHUT UP JIM!  
(glares at April)  
Miss, I DEMAND you exit my desk or else I will have no other choice than to reprimand you myself.

MICHAEL, bothered by the noise, exits his office to inspect the disturbance.

MICHAEL

What's with all the commotion?

DWIGHT

This small female has taken residence at my desk and refuses to move!

April looks at Micheal with a sinister smile.

MICHAEL

How about we just leave her be...  
You can take the empty desk.

Dwight angrily throws his briefcase on the empty desk.

DWIGHT (Muttering angrily)  
This is an outrage. I've worked at this company for YEARS! And how do they thank me? By giving my desk away to some inferior female. How shall I defend us from attackers if I can't see the door! I hope you all like dying, because there's no way you'll survive without me protecting you!

JIM

(Jim leans towards April and extends his hand)  
Hi, I'm Jim. Sorry about Dwight.  
He's kind of nuts. Very serious about his self defense.

APRIL

(Eagerly shakes Jim's hand with a huge grin on her face,  
borderline creepy)  
April Hitler, pleased to meet you!

Jim looks at camera, confused.

JIM Alright then... What brings you to Dunder Mifflin?

APRIL I vas brought to kill and conquer.  
For ze Motherland! Hail Deutschland!

Dwight stares at April with a look of amazement and curiosity.

OFFICE SPACE: MID AFTERNOON

Michael exits his office to make an announcement.

MICHAEL

Alright everybody! Conference room,  
two minutes!

Depressed office comradery fills the air, as every begrudgingly makes their way to the conference room. Dwight purposefully sits in the back next to April.

MICHEAL Alright gang. I just got off the phone with corporate, and it looks like our quarterly sales are at an all time low! So I thought we should have a group brainstorm sesh, You know, to get ideas flowing. Anyone, anyone at all have anything? Anyway to boost our sales?

PHYLLIS (weakly)  
Well I think it might help if we had fewer parties...

MICHEAL

What are you talking about! We've barely had any!

PHYLLIS

Well there was that one last week.  
With all the cats.

MICHEAL

That doesn't count! National Cat Video Day happens once a year. If we don't celebrate it then, then what is even the point of those furballs? They should be celebrated for being so watchable and hilarious!

ANGELA

Amen! Everyone gives cats a bad rap.

OSCAR

Well, Michael, it might have helped the sales staff if you hadn't made us spend six hours discussing whether or not National Treasure was real.

MICHAEL Fine Oscar, but when I find the city of gold you can eat your words.

Oscar shakes his head at the camera.

MICHAEL

We need some fresh ideas. How about you, temp! April. Got any ideas?

APRIL

(irritated and bored)  
Why don't we call people who don't have paper and then try to sell them some?

MICHAEL

Haha! You're very quick witty, er,  
witted. Quick wick. Wit. Now for a real idea. How do we really convince people to buy paper?  
(Imitates Godfather) How do we 'Give them an offer they can't refuse.'

APRIL (Energetic and excited)  
Well, if you want people to buy something, you have to sell them something they want. So we could call people and tell them we have kidnapped their children and are holding them hostage in the warehouse, and if they ever want to see them again they have to buy paper.

Everyone is the conference room is painfully silent

MICHAEL

Alright... Let's all just get back to work.

Everyone begins to leave, but DWIGHT stops APRIL in the conference room.

DWIGHT

Listen Temp.

APRIL

Ms. Hitler.

DWIGHT

Whatever. I'm impressed with you.  
And I think you could be useful to my cause.

APRIL

Which is?

DWIGHT

You know Jim? In our clump?

APRIL

The stupid goofball with a big nose?

DWIGHT

Exactly. Well, Jim thinks its funny to mess with me, mainly because it gets the attention of the receptionist. I think we should form an alliance and take him down.

APRIL

What's in it for me?

DWIGHT

My respect. And the satisfaction of vanquishing an enemy.

April salutes

APRIL

I accept.

INT. OFFICE SPACE: LATER THAT DAY

Jim gets up from his desk and strolls to the break room to get more coffee.

DWIGHT (

Dwight makes eye contact with APRIL and nods curtly)

April discreetly gets up from her desk and knees next to Jim's chair, pretending to tie her shoe. She slowly removes the back wheel from his chair and hides it in a drawer.

Jim returns to his desk with the coffee. He sits down, and proceeds to lean in his chair, falling backward and spilling coffee down his shirt.

DWIGHT

HAHAHA! Take that! Looks like revenge is best served hot and wet!

MICHEAL (Runs out of his office)  
That's what she said! Jim, did you forget how to drink coffee?

JIM

Ha ha. Very funny. Dwight here decided it would funny to take the wheels off my chair.

MICHEAL

Is that true Dwight?

DWIGHT

Yes, but April helped!

APRIL

Why would I do that! Jim never did anything to me! I don't even like it here to begin with.

MICHEAL Dwight, as your punishment, you have to publicly apologize to Jim in front of everyone.

DWIGHT Never! Jim is my subordinate!

JIM Actually, Michael, I have an idea.

OFFICE SPACE: END OF WORKDAY

Everyone filters out of the office, eager to head home. Jim leaves his desk, and turns to show the camera that he is wearing Dwight's signature mustard shirt. Dwight hurries out, wearing nothing but his suit jacket and tie.

THE END


	2. Chapter 2

Michael's Office, Soundbyte

 _Camera has just asked MICHAEL what he thinks of the new Intern._

Michael

She... Well... I'm not sure. She's been here about a week and... I just don't get her! She's like... How do I explain it? Like that weird cousin who comes over for thanksgiving as a kid, but all he does is eat cranberry jelly and bite the heads of your action figures. But you can't tell him to leave since he's family, so you just kind of watch... That's what April is like. If I leave her alone maybe she won't my head off.

 _There's a knock at MICHAEL'S door._

MICHAEL

Speak of the Devil... Come in!

 _April stands on the doorway._

APRIL

You wanted to see me?

MICHAEL

Yeah April. Have a seat. I just wanted to have a quick chat. So how are you liking it here?

APRIL

Well, the Mortuary declined my application since apparently they only accept dead bodies, so I guess this place was a close second.

 _Michael laughs weakly._

MICHAEL

Ha ha... Right. Anyways. I wanted to talk about your sales. It seems like you haven't made any yet.

APRIL

And?

MICHAEL

And that's kind of what we do here, sell paper. Now I know that you've at least been making calls, since I've had a lot of complaints. Apparently you threatened to burn a client alive?

APRIL

Yes.

MICHAEL

And you told another that we were a front for the mafia and if they bought paper they were supporting Hitler?

APRIL

I stand by that.

MICHAEL

Great... Well I think it would be good for you to have a little help. So I'm going to set you up with our top salesman, Dwight. He should be able to teach you something.

APRIL

Really... I'm kind of busy here. You know, waiting to die like everyone else in this stupid building.

MICHAEL

No excuses! Time to sell some paper!

OFFICE SPACE-INTERIOR

 _Everyone is working. Dwight stands._

DWIGHT

Temp! Let's go. It time for your training to begin.

 _April begrudgingly gathers her things and follows DWIGHT outside._

APRIL

So what are we doing?

DWIGHT

In order to sell paper, you have to know paper. So I'm going to teach you everything I know about it. We start at the source: dirt.

 _April perks up, excited._

APRIL

We're going to play in the dirt?!

Dwight

Not play! Learn!

APRIL

But there's still dirt right?

Dwight

Yes there's dirt...

They arrive at SCHRUTE FARMS.

BEET FIELD-SCHRUTE FARMS

DWIGHT

So Temp. Tell me. Where does paper come from?

APRIL

Your mother's butt!

DWIGHT

No. It comes from trees. And where do trees grow?

APRIL

Your Moth-

DWIGHT

DIRT! They grow in the ground. Now, I'm going to teach you about the importance of maintaining the proper pH for optimal tree growth.

APRIL

If I find any worms can I keep them?

OFFICE SPACE- BREAK ROOM

 _PAM, ANGELA, OSCAR, TOBY, KEVIN, and JIM are having lunch in the BREAK ROOM._

PAM

So what do you guys think about the Intern, April?

ANGELA

She's terrible! I don't think I've ever met someone so gross and creepy.

Pam

I don't think she's that bad. She just needs time to adjust.

KEVIN

Pam, she took all my Oreo's and replaced the cream with toothpaste! Now my breath is so minty.

JIM

You know Kev, you didn't have to finish eating the cookies.

KEVIN

Yeah, well I had already started.

JIM

Touche.

PHYLLIS

I saw her digging through the dumpsters yesterday at lunch. She's really weird.

OSCAR

Agreed. She's just a distraction! I think I saw her making Voodoo dolls of us at her desk. She's a witch!

JIM

Come on guys. That's a little harsh. At least give her another chance.

OSCAR

A chance to do what? Find out where we live and murder us in our sleep?

JIM

No...

PHYLLIS

Maybe if we tell Michael he can get rid of her.

TOBY

Michael can only fire someone if he has a reason. And proof. April's done nothing wrong.

ANGELA

Yet! We shouldn't give her the chance! Just think of all the things she would do to my cats.

PHYLLIS

I say we talk to Michael. I'm sure he doesn't like her too.

ANGELA

Well if he doesn't do something, we'll have to take care of it ourselves.

 _JIM looks at PAM, then camera, worried._

BEET FIELD-SCHRUTE FARMS

APRIL and DWIGHT are digging in the beet field, covered in dirt. APRIL is deep in a giant hole, shoveling with zeal.

DWIGHT

You know, you don't have to dig that deep. It's more of a metaphorical task.

APRIL

But the deeper I go the better chance I have of finding dead bodies.

 _DWIGHT, aside to camera._

DWIGHT

I've come to like April. If she put as much passion into selling paper that she has with digging this hole, she could become a great salesman. Plus I respect a woman who isn't afraid of getting her hands dirty.

INT. FARMHOUSE-SCHRUTE FARMS

 _DWIGHT and APRIL sit at a table. A basket of beets between them._

DWIGHT

The key to selling is making people think they need what you have. Now, try to sell me these beets.

APRIL

I don't want to. The beets are mine.

DWIGHT

That's not the point! Just sell!

APRIL

Fine. Hello sir, I have some dirty round vegetables. Would you like to buy some?

DWIGHT

I guess that's a little better. Think of it as a game. You have to trick people into paying more for the beets, even thought they could go somewhere else and find them cheaper.

APRIL

SO I can lie to them?

DWIGHT

Not lie per say, but bend the truth. Make them feel smart. Be their friend. Pretend to care. Anything that sells more paper.

APRIL

I guess I can try that. I love manipulating people.

MICHAEL'S OFFICE

 _Everyone gathers in MICHAEL's office._

MICHAEL

UH... How can I help you guys?

ANGELA

Listen Michael. We need to talk.

MICHAEL

Okie dokie! What's the haps? Let's talk.

OSCAR

It's about April.

MICAHEL

The Temp? What's wrong with her?

KEVIN

She's seriously the worst! She ruined perfectly good cookies!

ANGELA

And we caught her dumpster diving!

MICHAEL

Well maybe she accidentally threw something away. I do it all the time.

OSCAR

She's a creep Michael!

MICHAEL

Listen! She's just a kid, learning how to fit in okay! Give her a chance. Yeah, maybe she's creepy and goes dumpster diving, but Creed is creepy and we've learned to deal with him. Plus he smells like garbage.

ANGELA

Ugh. Fine. But don't expect us to like her.

MICHAEL

This is a family, and I need my children to get along! So go out there and love each other or else!

PHYLLIS

Oh I think they're back!

 _Everyone quickly runs out of Michael's office and back to their desks. DWIGHT and APRIL enter, filthy but smiling. Everyone returns to their desks._

 _Michael runs over to the sales clump._

MICAHEL

So! How did it go?

APRIL

Great! I found five worms and a dog skeleton.

DWIGHT

I'm really proud of her. I think she'll be a great salesman one day. Or a fantastic worm farmer.

MICHAEL

Great...

THE END


	3. Chapter 3 Part 1

INT-OFFICE

Halloween

It is halloween in the Office. The crew dons costumes and the office is adorned in cheap Halloween decor.

Enter April, wearing a floor-length, black, velvet dress.

DWIGHT

(Dressed as a robed Jedi)

Morning temp. Did you forget your broom?

JIM

And there should be a pointy hat right? Or a burning stake?

APRIL

What are you guys talking about? I'm just wearing my grandmothers dress.

DWIGHT

Yeah, but it's halloween! You look like a witch.

April stares into the camera, with a sly grin, but quickly goes back to her pale, stone-faced demeanor.

Enter MICHAEL

MICHAEL

Good morning everyone! All dressed to the nuns I see! Especially Angela.

Angela is dressed as a traditional catholic nun.

ANGELA

If i'm being forced to participate in the Devil's birthday I'll at least make an effort to add a little more holiness.

MICHAEL

Yeah, well at least lose the black robe, or maybe the whole thing! Keep the headers though. Don't nuns spank bad children?

Micheal mimics spanking his own butt. ANGELA scoffs, disgusted.

MICHEAL

Let's get festive people!

Micheal settles into his office, where he begins to unpack his paper-mache head twin from its case.

Phone Rings

MICHAEL

What is it Pam?! I'm busy,

PAM

Jan left a message Micheal. It sounded important.

MICHAEL

Oh, right. Yeah. That. Ugh.

To the camera, MICHEAL looks upset and stressed. Massaging his temple, he whispers quietly to camera.

MICHAEL

I was supposed to let someone go... But I don't want to. And now it's the last day and it's the halloween party. Gaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh ugh.

Michael cries, loudly, gaining the attention of the office.

Dwight, Jim, and April sit in their desk clump. Dwight looks at Micheal's office, concerned. DWIGHT slowly gets up and approaches MICHAEL's office. He knocks softly.

DWIGHT

Michael? Is everything alright?

MICHAEL

I'm FINE Dwight. Leave me alone.

Dwight shyly returns to his clump.

DIWGHT

I think Micheal needs some time alone. He's very upset.

JIM

Didn't you see? Toby walked in with TWO paper-mache costume heads on and embarrassed him earlier. Toby, of all people!

Dwight scoffs, wary of believing Jim, but too afraid to go check the annex.

APRIL silently approaches Michaels office. She knocks quietly.

MICHAEL

(Weakly) Who is it? Oh April. Come in.

April enters and sits as Micheal quickly dries his face.

APRIL

I have those contact lists you wanted me to update.

MICHEAL

Oh thank you. April? Can I ask you, what... Do you think everyone out like likes it here? I mean, is there someone who is like, on the edge you know?

APRIL

Phyllis seems pretty depressed if that's what you mean. But, I love being sad. Emptiness is my favorite feeling, and this is such a great environment to encourage that.

MICHAEL

Okay, well, no. That's not what I mean. Look. You're new here and have a better perspective on this... Now hypothicially, if you had to fire someone, who do you think would take it best?

APRIL

Everyone.

MICHAEL

Gosh, no. Ugh. I just want to make someone disappear. You think they would still like me right? I'm not the one choosing to do this. It's Halloween and they're all dressed up, I just, I don't want to ruin the day.

APRIL

I don't think I can help.

April leave back to the clump, where Dwight looks eager to find out what transpired.

LATER- PAM'S DESK

JIM

DO you know why Micheal was crying earlier?

PAM

Probably because no one complimented his costume. He's very proud if it. But really, I think Jan told him to let someone go. And you can guess how Michael took that.

JIM

Do you think it would help if we tried to take his mind off of that?

PAM

Maybe, but he is known to make terrible decisions under pressure...

JIM

He's obsessed with the new temp, right?

PAM

I think terrified is a better fit.

JIM

Okay, well look hows she's dressed. It's halloween. What do you say I can convince Micheal that she's a witch?

PAM

You think he'll be more bearable if he's scare out of his mind?

Jim smiles at Pam, and returns to his clump.

LATER- BREAKROOM

April makes a cup of coffee in the break room. Dwight slowly approaches her.

DWIGHT

Listen Temp, I know you know what Michael knows. You know, about why he was crying. If it has anything to do with down-

APRIL

He has to fire someone by the end of the day.

DWIGHT

Dammnit! Well did he tell you who?

APRIL

No, he just cried and wailed about wanting someone to disappear.

DWIGHT

I think it's time to bring our alliance in action. Meet me in the warehouse in twenty-minutes, bring whatever you can think that would help us.

Dwight storms our of the break room.

:

INT-OFFICE, THAT SAME MOMENT

Micheal exits his office to stretch his legs and observe his workforce. He mills around between Jim and Pam.

Jim gives Pam a look.

PAM

Hey, Micheal, we found something for the lost and found.

Pam procures a realistic wooden wand.

MICHEAL

What is that, a stick? Just throw it away.

JIM

Didn't you find that by April's desk?

MICHEAL

It's probably part of her costume.

JIM

She's not wearing a costume.

Micheal nervously paces away from the stick on Pam's desk.

MICHEAL

Okay, okay. Why don't we just give it back to her?

PAM

But what if she gets mad at us for finding it?

MICHAEL

Oh gosh.. You could be right. Um... Pam, you hold onto it. Give it back to her at the end of the day.

WAREHOUSE, TWENTY MINUTES LATER

April walks down the stairs to find Dwight standing near a table, piled high with weapons and rocks.

APRIL

How exactly are a bunch of nerf guns-

DWIGHT

-Spud guns-

APRIL

Whatever. How are they going to help us not get fired?

DWIGHT

We have to be prepared! Show our strength! You never know when a fight to the death will be the deciding factor.

APRIL

Okay.. I really don't think that's going to help us.

DWIGHT

Whatever, Temp. What did you bring?

April empties a bag of dolls onto the table. Out table a dozen or so small, hand sewn dolls that roughly resemble everyone in the office.

DWIGHT

Are those...

APRIL

Voodoo.


End file.
